I got to the end of a prayer journal yesterday.
I have years of journals stacked in my closet, valuable to no one but me. Reflections on Scripture, written prayers. Sometimes deep gratitude. Sometimes deep pain. Often raw in honesty, though coded (obviously, because you never know when a burglar might break in and read these private thoughts).
Every now and then, I sit on my closet floor and dig through them. Without fail, I am reminded of difficult seasons I had forgotten. Without fail, I am reminded of God’s good and faithful leading in my life.
God’s faithful goodness is something that you only see over time, and only if you’re paying attention. In a journey of Christian faith, the extraordinary moments matter, for sure. But we are a forgetful species, and the moments fade from memory, no matter how dramatic. If we don’t intentionally remember, we forget. And then we don’t see the faithful presence and love of our so-good God.
So I got to the end of my journal and flipped back through. Gasped a bit at the remembered heaviness and pressure I had been dealing with, in several areas. Fear. Even moments of despair. Things that seemed stuck, and I had done all I knew to do, to no avail. Things that it seemed God had shown me, and wow, was I hanging on to those things, desperately hoping, trusting that I had heard well.
“Oh, THAT’S why I’m so tired!”
And now? All of those things have become unstuck. None are resolved … but all are moving. More importantly, the heaviness is not what it was. My soul is recovering.
I write on the last page, “we made it,” and begin a new journal today, blank pages waiting for reflections yet-to-be written.
“Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Saviour and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you—
… Each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.”1
This was part of my Scripture reading today. An excerpt from an ancient prayer, Psalm 42. We are not the first ones nor the only ones to have been discouraged along the way.