I miss writing words.
It has been such a painful month.1 Grief doesn’t find words easily, and any words that do form are inadequate. Words are the way I connect, and so I feel disconnected, wanting to write it out, but then it’s just a blank page and there are no words.
I feel obliged at this point to say that yes, I am well-supported; and yes, I am taking help that is offered; and yes, Jeff and I are ok.
But I miss writing words. I miss the joy of creating a perfect-to-me phrase or beautifully-crafted sentence. Even my journal stares back at me, mostly silent.
For now, I pray the words others have written, and thank God for this well-established pattern in my own life. I read words of Scripture and trust that they are shaping me, even in this moment.
At some point, the words will find their way again.
If you know, you know, and if you don’t, it’s certainly no secret, but I just don’t want to write about it here, not yet anyway.
"God welcomes the full range of our experience. It's human to celebrate. And it's just as human to grieve when there's suffering or injustice. Lament is more than mentally acknowledging the reality of loss or pain. It's holding our grief and letting ourselves fully experience it instead of numbing or ignoring it, hoping it will go away. It's about tuning into the emotional and embodied experience of heartache and bringing all of that into the loving presence of the Holy."
It's also letting the blank page hold the space for all the silent words that have not yet found a home, or may never be uttered or written.
A recently bought myself the book "Hopeful Lament: Tending Our Grief Through Spiritual Practices." In the right time, you may find it helpful for you and your community.
‘Grief changes us. It was not a change I invited into my life. It was not a change I was ready for. Nevertheless, there it is. I am not the same.’ - A Hole In the World
I’ve been slowly making my way through this book by Amanda Held Opelt. Grief doesn’t allow me to consume it quickly.
❤️ holding you close in thought and prayer.